"when i'm feeling someone watching me, and so i raised my head."
- tom's diner, suzanne vega

i've read tista's blog again today. read his replies. and somehow i feel ashamed of myself. looks like i dont have the same spirit like he does. he's designated to change his situation, to turn it around no matter what people've said over the time. ok, maybe stumbling blocks come upon here and there, but his fighting will overwhelms me with gratitude and shame. i shouldnt complain, i still have better things and live in a comfort zone, compared to him. until now, i'm not ready to leave it, and actually live my life. i've told myself that there's always my family problems and mom to blame for this, but i was wrong all along. i made the situations, and i've felt the warm too much to face the real chill.


i talked to them, like tista and yumma, to ignore their surroundings and just go and experienced the world. checked out from jakarta, and go abroad. but look who's still here?! look who's still far way back?! me. i know i should've done it from the first place, when mom gave the chance. i was too afraid to loose my friends, to leave my world. i'll have another chance, that is to go to bali. but again, meeting ari change and put me right back where i am now [which i never actually leave]. knowing that he broke up with ayu due to their long distance relationship makes me putting myself in a cautious position. again, i'm bounded to ... [actually] nothing.

so here i am now. thinking ... thinking ... thinking... 'till when?